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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Grateful for Post-Stroke Fatigue

It's wierd for me to say that I'm grateful for the fatigue that comes after a stroke. It's 2 years since I had my stroke and if anyone would've told me that I would be grateful for post-stroke fatigue in those 2 years, I would tell them, they were crazy!
So, what changed? Time, I quess. After I had my stroke, I was pushing to be 'normal'...to be what I was, before my stroke. And, it's just now that I realize that I'm better, then I was before my stroke. Why?
I live each and every day like it IS. I'm not rushing to do...anything. I'm actually enjoying the DOING, rather the completion of things!
After my stroke, I grieved my ability to work in my career, my ability to use language, my ability to multi-task. I pushed and pushed and pushed just like I did before my stroke (denial).
But, now I know that I have to focus on ONE task. It took time for me to be okay with that...two years! But, now I am...I think :)
It took time for me to realize that I can't do what I used to do...and, the time that I could do it in! Slowly, Slowly. Just like this blog that I writing...I was a writer, but now simple things that I try to write takes a lot of energy and time!
Two weeks ago, I had my "Aha" moment.
I went to the cottage planning to burn brush and clean up trees that had fallen in the hurricane and storms. I had a great time...I didn't rush... I was happy DOING (I need a project...any project). I stopped at 4:00 pm (because my friend, Circle, won't allow me to work/putter after 4). I went to bed at 6:30 pm. Then, the next day I awoke at 11:00 am and worked from 12:00 until 2:00 pm when I realized I was tired...but, I pushed because I had two hours until it was 4:00 pm (Circle's curfew). I went to bed at 6:30. The next day, I was planning to work for the morning. But, I couldn't. I couldn't life my right foot and leg (stroke affected side)...I was tired...fatigued. So, I packed up and went home.
I told Circle that maybe I shouldn't work more than 4 hours long...and see if that was better for fatigue. MAYBE.
I knew this for my brain...language activities...I get fatigued when I'm talking, writing or reading in about 3 hours. At that point, I need a nap. But, I thought physical activities would be different...I'm in better shape than before my stroke??
The stroke fatigue protects me from me. I can't be what I was before...multi-tasker, workolic high achiever.
Stroke fatigue won't allow me. Aha!
All in due time...slowly, slowly.
Thank-you Universe.